Local Revision: Wordiness

Verbosity is not effective. Here is a practice in cutting words:

Garneau, Pierre- Alexandre. "Cutting Mangos, Samurai-Style" 6/1/10 via Flickr. Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic

Some tips from Rules for Writers:

1) Eliminate redundancies

2) Avoid unnecessary repetition of words

3) Cut empty of inflated phrases

4) Simplify the structure

5) Reduce clauses to phrases, phrases to single words

Before:

"The protesters- self-proclaimed the protectors would sit in the road obstructing the construction of the TMT. They consisted of people of all ages but, surprisingly mostly the newer generations. As they face off the police and TMT construction workers, they chant prayers and sing. Kids run underfoot and weave leas that they offer to the "enemy", the police. As not accepting leas is terribly offensive, the police bend down and offer their heads to the kids. Then the protesters hug the police. Emotions run high among both sides. The protests on the slopes of Mauna Kea are completely peaceful- there are no weapons and no attacks. However, the police must do their jobs and arrested the more stubborn of the group. These are the same people who started the #WeAreMaunaKea, people who are proud of their culture and are willing to fight for things important to them- Mauna Kea, a holy land."

-excerpt from QRG draft (link)

After:

"The TMT protesters claimed the title of "the Protectors". The Protectors consist of people of all ages. Surprisingly, however, they mostly consist of the newer generations. The protectors utilized every means of obstructing the construction in non-violent ways. They sit in the road, impassively facing the construction trucks that inch their way forward. They chant prayers and sing, while kids run underfoot and weave leas that they offer to the "enemy", the police. As refusing a lea is offensive, the police bend down to offer their heads to the kids. Then the protesters hug the police. Emotions run high on both sides. Even though the local police are sympathetic to the cause, they must do their jobs. 31 people throughout all the different protests were arrested. However, despite arrests, the protectors continues to passionately protest both in person and through #WeAreMaunaKea."

How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?

When I revised the paragraph, I actually didn't really cut down the words. Instead I added more concise detail by replacing wordy, ineffectual lines with more compact lines. I also cut down sentence length. I have a habit of adding too many clauses to a sentence that can jumble up my writing. I actively tried to split up sentences and make them more bite sized. So, even though it is the same size, I feel the paragraph is much easier to read and more effective than before.